WE WELCOME ALL ... Wink Wink?

Recently in a social media post I applauded the leadership of the TN Conference of the United Methodist Church. My praise was for the bold statement they made in an open letter to their LGBTQ+ clergy and lay members reaffirming their all-in commitment to full inclusion for all queer people. To frame my praise I made this statement: “I absolutely love this brave, repentant, humble and unequivocal statement to the LGBTQ+ community! I only wish my former tribe, the Church of the Nazarene, had the same kind of bravery and repentant love toward those it has, and is still causing such great harm to, in that community.”

Following that post, I received both positive and negative feedback for my unapologetic LGBTQ+ support, which I fully expected. But one response, really one question, seemed quite sincere in its query. The questioner asked if I could “specify in what ways precisely the Church of the Nazarene is causing such great harm?” Since I felt the questioner was sincere, I took my time to formulate the kind of response that I felt was in keeping with his question. My response and the thoughts that have come from that writing have prompted this blog post. Here was my response:

I know that you disagree. I also realize you simply can’t see it from the seat you have. I never saw it either when I was still in the Nazarene club. But now, being outside the insular Nazarene bubble, and more broadly, being outside the conservative American evangelical bubble, I can see the answer to the question in crystal clear definition. I know the answer after having countless conversations with and hearing the devastating stories of so many precious LGBTQ+ people who have been painfully and irreparably harmed by the church. Specifically their pain has been inflicted, both by intentionally and unintentionally hurtful words and actions from pastors and lay leaders. I know for sure that the harm is very real and is much worse and much more lasting than any sticks and stones platitudes.

The harm that is exacted upon countless LGBTQ+ individuals by the church or by fundamentalist evangelical conservative people often have far lasting and reaching effects including countless failed and successful attempts at suicide. A recent study shows around 26% of LGBTQ+ people, for whom religion was important in their upbringing, had attempted or thought of attempting suicide since coming out. The reason for this high number is mostly because the people who represent God to them (often for their entire lives) had thoughtlessly told them that being who they were is evil, immoral, and that they are destined for hell if they embrace this truth about themselves. Not surprisingly, the percentage of pastors kids who came out to their pastor parents and then attempted suicide because of the rejection is even higher.

So, to answer your question I’ll give you three brief examples, but please remember that there are so many more I could give. These are three examples where tremendous harm is exacted upon LGBTQ+ people because of the harmful stance of the American conservative evangelical church and more specifically, since it has been my primary frame of reference for over 50 years, by the Church of the Nazarene:

First: Tremendous harm is inflicted when someone who has finally embraced the DNA level truth that they have known about themselves for years, takes the emotionally monumental risk to come out to a trusted pastor or lay leader and then are flippantly given a compassionless stock answer. Most of the time what is heard by the vulnerable LGBTQ+ young person is that this “gay thing that they think they are”, is an abomination before God and that being gay is inherently incompatible with being a Christian. Many times they are then told that if they want to continue to remain in fellowship with the church they will have to either commit to a lifetime of celibacy or they will have to pray that God will somehow change them. If we actually believe we all are bearers of the very image of God, the Imago Dei, then it is in direct opposition to that idea when we tell people to pray that God will change them from who God made them to be in the first place. I find this incredibly ironic.

Second: Tremendous harm is inflicted every time some churchy person utters the demeaning and condemning phrase, love the sinner but hate the sin. This is of course a horrible, condescending, and devaluing phrase to apply to any other human being. It is usually, however reserved for those in the LGBTQ+ community. The implied assumption in this phrase, is that they are a sinner simply because of who they are, not because of any choice they have made.

Third: Tremendous harm is inflicted every time a non-affirming church uses the bait & switch buzzwords “WELCOMING” or “WE WELCOME EVERYONE" to somehow imply that an LGBTQ+ person, a gay couple or family could actually be who they truly are and be welcomed into the full life and fellowship of the church. The reason this is so harmful is because the non-affirming church is setting these people up for the inevitable crash into the impenetrable dividing wall. What wall you ask? The wall that says you can come to church, sit in the pews and even have some surface level friends in our fellowship. But you cannot ever be involved in any meaningful teaching, leading, or in any up front role if you are (what they term) a “practicing homosexual.” Let me stop and tell you how much I despise that phrase! Can you see how it will be totally devastating when the “welcome” honeymoon time is over and the realization truly hits that they have been lied to all along? Then they know for certain that they are actually second class citizens in this church. Then they know that the foundational belief system of the church, of its leadership, and of its people are all solidly convinced that being queer is inherently sinful if you pursue a same gender relationship. Unless they are committed to lifelong celibacy, they are looked upon as projects to be fixed. This realization is truly devastating and generally results in them rejecting God and religion from that point forward. So the point is, to be falsely welcoming and not actually affirming is incredibly harmful.

I really try to be sure that these posts are helpful. I’m hopeful that the point of this post somehow takes root in the hearts of conservative pastors and lay leaders that are serving in churches which are not LGBTQ+ affirming but who say that their church is “WELCOMING TO ALL”. These conservative churches may say they welcome all, but they don’t actually accept, embrace, or fully integrate LGBTQ+ people into the very life and fabric of the church. In reality, what these churches are doing is nothing more than using cheap “bait and switch” marketing tactics. To these pastors and leaders I have this one admonition. You may think you are doing something helpful by saying you welcoming all. But the reality is that what your church is doing is ultimately incredibly harmful to those you are tricking into coming. In employing this tactic you cheapen the gospel until it doesn’t look at all like the Jesus you say you love and represent! Be honest with those who come through your door. If an LGBTQ+ person or family comes in, do your best to be up front. Let them know they are welcome to be there, but because of the beliefs of the church about same gender relationships not being compatible with your view of christianity, they will not be able to serve in any capacity or take on any meaningful roles. While this may be somewhat awkward in the moment, it will be infinitely less harmful than the pain that will come down the road if you don’t have this conversation.

Finally, to my LGBTQ+ siblings searching for a faith community to do life in for yourself or your family, I would strongly encourage you to not be shy about asking specific and probing questions. Ask questions like “What will I, as an LGBTQ+ person or family, be allowed to do in the church? Specifically, If I am qualified from a gifts or talents or ability standpoint, will I be allowed to exercise those gifts, talents, or abilities and possibly teach Sunday school, or lead a bible study, or participate with the worship team up on the platform?” But if you can only ask one question, ask this one: “What exactly does your church believe and teach about being in a same gender relationship and being a Christian and what do you believe and teach about marriage equality for all?” These questions will save you and those you love from incredible pain down the road.

The truth is that almost all evangelical pastors, if they are being honest, will have to answer these questions in a way that is exclusionary and harmful to LGBTQ+ people. But there are a few faith communities in various forms all around the country and the world that are incredibly helpful and affirming for the LGBTQ+ community, but they are not always easy to find. Many of them experience tremendous pressure and even threats for their affirming stand. Churches like the one Michelle and I now attend, GracePointe Church in Nashville, TN (www.GracePointe.net) and The Village Church in Atlanta, GA (www.TheVillageAtlanta.com) are two such incredible communities of faith which are both fully inclusive and fully affirming and are actually welcoming in the very best sense of the word. For those of you who don’t live in the Nashville or Atlanta areas, you should check out a great website www.ChurchClarity.org to search for churches in your area that are both LGBTQ+ welcoming and affirming as well as their position on women in ministerial leadership.

There are also great online faith communities such as Everybody Church (www.EveryBodyChurch.com) which is led by a couple of my friends, Stan Mitchell and Ray Waters. These online communities are incredible virtual spaces that are available to everyone. They were specifically created for those seeking fully affirming, inclusive, progressive Christian communities of faith, but who live in places where there are no brick and mortar places like that to connect into.

It absolutely breaks my heart as I listen to stories day after day from precious LGBTQ+ people who have experienced this kind of heartbreak at the hands of church people and communities claiming to represent God and his view of the world. LGBTQ+ friends, please know that they don’t represent God well, nor do they represent how God views you. There are many of us out here who see you clearly. We want to hear your story and we want to show you a very different picture of God than the one most of you have been told about.

I want you to know that I’m here for you! I mean it. If you would like to connect with me directly to tell your story, to confidentially talk, cry, vent, scream, rant or whatever - I’m available for you! You can connect with me in several different ways. I can be reached through the contact tab of this blog site or you can connect with me by email at: Murphy@MurphyGill.com. You can message me through Facebook at: www.facebook.com/murphy.gill . I’m also available via Twitter or Instagram @Nvstalot.

Peace,

Murphy Gill