The Empty Frame
/My Journey To Freedom - for me and others
My journey: part 2
The other day I walked into our home office. It’s a second bedroom which we use for an office here in our tiny little apartment. As I walked in, I glanced to my right and there it was, right there on the wall next to me. Hanging prestigiously in the honored space above my college diploma was an empty picture frame. What important document had been so carefully presented in that frame previously? It was my ordination certificate, complete with a golden seal and signatures from important people. It was the ordination credential which I had received from the Church of the Nazarene, the denomination I was born into and which I served in for 30 years.
For those of you not steeped in churchy hierarchy and tradition, the ordination certificate is an important piece of paper that states that the denomination or the church you are serving in recognizes the gifts and graces you possess for lifelong service in ministry as a pastor/shepherd/preacher. It is an official recognition of the deep clear calling that God has placed on your life and the ordaining that He has done on your heart and mind to follow Him in that calling no matter where it leads or the difficulties one may encounter on the journey.
Ministry is incredibly hard for many reasons. It is a 24/7/365 calling. This means that you are a minister whether you are in the pulpit preaching or you are on vacation in Fiji. You are always a pastor and as such you are called to serve. Ministry is also hard because loving people is often messy. Carrying the struggles and burdens of hurting people, as well as embracing the joys and victories of those you are called to serve is emotionally and physically draining. To do so without a real clear calling from God and to serve in that capacity would be unimaginable.
As I looked at the empty frame on my wall, a lump came up in my throat once again and my eyes began to water a bit. There is a real sense of grief in this particular loss. It’s not just that I lost the certificate somewhere in a stack of papers. No, I knew this loss was coming. I’ve know for a long time that it would happen at some point.
If you read my last post, you know that I spent several years questioning and studying deeply the theology behind some of the more significant social positions that my denomination and most of the other evangelical denominations hold. The particular social issue that has caused this great kerfuffle and led to me losing my ordination credential is that of full inclusion and full acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals into the rich, full life of God and His church. The Nazarene church and many other evangelical churches all say “no way Jose” to this inclusion. I believe with all my heart that Jesus’ answer to this question is a booming and emphatic, “Absolutely YES!” So, it is for this reason that the denomination has required the return of my ordination credential.
Let me be clear. I do not in the slightest believe that the taking of a piece of paper from me, by the religious body that had only recognized the ordination which God had already done in my heart and life, makes me any less of a called minister of God. That will never change. God already did the work, they just recognized it and gave me a piece paper saying so.
I’m standing in my office looking at that empty frame with a lump in my throat, and suddenly I am reminded that right there in the closet next to the frame, are my hats. The newest of which is the hat Michelle bought me for Christmas. It's a black baseball cap with the state of Tennessee embroidered in the LGBTQ+ PRIDE colors. I had seen a hero of mine, Stan Mitchell, wear a hat like that and had mentioned to Michelle how much I loved it. I thought about how it would perfectly symbolize what we are back here in Tennessee to do. So I opened the closet door and there it was. The symbol of my new ministry and specific calling and the symbol of my old ministry and calling.
Then I remembered what this call on my life is really all about and what the ordination from God is truly about. It’s about the deep clear calling that God has placed on your life, and the ordaining that He has done on your heart and mind, to follow Him in that calling no matter where it leads or the difficulties one may encounter on the journey.
This is where I find myself. Yes, there is grief and sadness. I will miss many of my long time friends who have chosen to disassociate from me in order to avoid negative ramifications in their careers. I even have family members who I dearly love, but who strongly disagree with what I am doing. Now our conversations seem to only be about shallow or surface issues. This is where the part of following God in the calling no matter where it leads or the difficulties we may encounter comes in. This quote from the medieval merchant and hermit St. Godric says it well. “What’s been lost is nothing compared to what’s been found. And all the death that ever were, if it were pooled together, could scarcely fill a cup set next to the river of life that runs in me.”
Am I sad at my loss? Yes. But, am I also incredibly excited about the opportunities that seem to be increasingly popping up for me? Absolutely! It is so awesome to be able to be an encouragement for those whom the church has intentionally denigrated, kicked out of meaningful fellowship and stolen crucial hope from. God has given me a unique platform and a focused mission to be a catalyst to restore hope in the lives of these precious people.
To all of you who feel that when the church turned their backs on you, that God did as well, please hear this. God never, ever did that! That was the work of flawed humans. Yes, often they were hate filled and mean, yet they truly thought they were defending God. They never stopped to think that God doesn't need defending. He’s God.
I really want you to know that you are fully loved, fully accepted, and fully cared for just like you are! Who you love and who you are, in the very deepest places of your spirit, are in no need of being fixed. You are not broken! God certainly does not see you as being broken or flawed. You are exactly as you were designed and created to be. You are not an aberration or a mutation. You are perfectly crafted.
I realize that many of you have former church friends or family members who will tell you things like,” We all have our sin that God needs to cleanse.” or that they “Love the sinner, but hate the sin.” Those words make me sick. I’m telling you that they are absolutely wrong!
Friends, I’m available for you! If you would like to connect with me directly to talk, cry, vent, scream, rant or whatever, you can do so in several different ways. You can use the contact tab of this blog site or connect with me by email at: Murphy@MurphyGill.com. Message me through Facebook at: www.facebook.com/murphy.gill. I’m also on Twitter (@Nvstalot) and Instagram.